grief.

grief. i used to think i was safe from ever experiencing the heartache that comes with a grieving soul.

the world took my best friend just over three years ago. sudden. uprooting. gut wrenching.

no one ever tells you about loss. not a loss like that anyways. we know what it feels like to lose a soccer game or our car keys or a sock in the dryer or our dignity on the walk of shame home. but honestly, loss- life loss is a whole different beast. and while three years have passed & i don’t wake up stiff from the fetal position and drenched in my tears; i still wake up grieving. grief is a personal battle. grief is a miserable battle. grief is an eye opening battle. grief is so many things. but most of all, grief is a lot of being alone.

my greatest fear in life is being alone. loneliness is the hardest thing for me to deal with. i ache to be remembered, strive to stray from being forgotten and weep when i feel ignored. grief is loneliness ten fold. but no one else understands it. i can’t say it gets better, just easier to understand. and if you are like me [with a brain that never shuts off], you remember everything. so the moments swell and recede, just like the tide. sometimes they swallow you whole & other times, just embrace you for a moment.

it does become easier to understand. but make sure you never let anyone tell you that your grief is better.

x, alix