extra.

a co-worker recently called me extra. like as an insult. like in a negative way. to which i rolled my eyes and kept on doing me.

what does extra mean? in my book- it means ‘a lot’ which isn’t always a bad thing. and while quac is extra at chipotle, it is still the best thing to add to your order. i totally take ownership of being extra or in old school terms, being a lot. my head game is a lot. my personality is a lot. everything i have been through is a lot. everything i am going through is a lot. hard not to be a lot when you’ve dealt with a lot.

i didn’t come here to defend myself. i need to share that i am done caring what other people think. i am done with people throwing a trait at me that i’m supposed to wrap myself up in. the truth is- i am a hot mess. i am a lot. i am in a huge phase of discovering my self-worth, my self-confidence and my self-esteem. to me- calling me extra is just simply highlighting the fact that i am a lot. and believe me, i came out of the womb as a lot. i’ve been a lot for a very long time.

being a lot has cost me friendships, relationships and even opportunities. my expectations are high which means i ask for a lot from those i welcome to my circle. and that is a huge part of what i am going through now- finding my forever people. the ones who know how extra i am and accept that it will add to their lives, not deplete them. i guess what i am putting out into the universe right now is that we all have our hard times; we all have things that harden our shells and shelter our hearts. we all have what makes us more to some or less to others. we are all a mess once in a while. and if you are a lot, that’s okay. because being a lot means you hold onto a lot & those who hold a lot [positive things & negative things] are often the ones who have had the hardest times here on earth.

it is okay to be a lot. it is okay to be extra. it might just mean you love a lot more, give a lot more, worry a lot more, cry a lot more, pray a lot more, lie awake a lot more and take on a lot more. we have these souls; these hearts; that carry extra weight. it. is. okay.

so here it is. i am taking full ownership. full accountability. i am claiming it- i am extra. i am a lot. would you rather be extra or simply enough?

x, alix