friendships.

oh my gosh, what is there even to say about friendships?! to start, i am here to say that at age 29, i officially have the fewest friend count i have ever had in my life. to add to that, i have had four friends walk out of my life in the last 16 months without a word. a lot of my middle of night musings revolve around my current residency in this friendless desert.

and here’s what i have resolved with myself so far:

[one]• i am not a parent but that doesn’t mean i can’t be friends with people who are. i respect your role as a parent & am still capable of being a friend to you as a mom. you can invite me to your kid’s birthday party & i will likely help you set up & clean up. i will come to your kid’s recital and bring roses and take your family picture outside the school gym. i will sit in the pew and witness your baby’s baptism & wear my sunday best. just because i don’t have nor want kids, does not mean i don’t like kids or like your kids.

[two]• just because i am married does not mean i don’t know what being single is like. being single is fun sometimes & absolutely infuriating other times. it’s a lot of build ups and let downs; much like friendship. i am just a girl who has a locked down relationship; it does not mean i am locked down, don’t understand what you’re going through or don’t respect your relationship status.

[three]• just because i am married doesn’t mean i don’t want friends anymore. while yes i have a built in best friend sharing a bed with me, i am a human and want to do things with people other than my husband. i am not a ‘crazy obsessed can’t leave the house without my husband can’t be social’ married woman. i want to go see that chick flick. i want to go to your birthday dinner. i want to spend the day at the outlets shopping. i am not tied to my husband or my marriage. i am allowed to be your friend and i am grateful to my wonderful husband who understands and accepts that i do not like to be alone, bored or ignored.

[four]• while i teach middle school, i have zero desire to live like a middle schooler. the latest trends in friendships has been to have someone cancel on me, i accept the reason for cancellation and then one hour later that same friend posts doing something “better” with someone else. there’s a word for that- it’s called coward. don’t be a coward. be honest. be real. be a decent person. stop cancelling your lunch plans with me so you can go to a bar crawl with someone else & post it all on snapchat. you don’t deserve friends.

[five]• there is a theory out there. a theory that every friend group has a fat or ugly friend. and i know i have been that friend in so many groups in my life. these days, being fat is still the one thing that is never ‘okay’ with anyone. but what you don’t know is the internal struggle i have with weight so while i don’t ‘need’ your acceptance of my weight or size, it is valuable in a friendship.

[last and most importantly]• i am a lot. i full on recognize how much i am to handle- emotionally and mentally. i hate making friends. i am terrible at making friends and it is my least favorite pastime [ask my mom, she’ll tell ya]. my greatest fear is being alone. and yet, i am alone a lot. which makes me dive headfirst into friendships, often not knowing how to swim. i cling too quickly. i draw conclusions too soon. i sacrifice myself and my time too often. and suddenly i am overwhelming and a burden and too much. but i was too much from the beginning. that’s what i am working on. not becoming less. but harnessing the excess & sinking it into a reservoir for a later date. i accept that i need work. and i accept that i can be the cross to bear in a friendship. i am a lot and will forever be a lot but always always always, with good intentions.

i would always rather be too much than not enough. and i would always rather be extra than just short of what was needed.

x, alix