i am an incredibly reflective person. i analyze things over and over. i will spend what feels like decades, reflecting on experiences and conversations. and with what life has thrown at me recently, i’ve had to stop and really reflect. not just reflect on my current situation but all of the experiences, relationships and conversations that took place leading up to it all. being a reflective person is a lot like carrying an umbrella; by being reflective you are opening up a shield to whatever is handed to you which can act as shelter during the storm. on the other hand, that same reflective nature can turn you inside out and leave you drenched.

i guess what i am saying is that- through all of this reflective thinking, i am still damned if i do, damned if i don’t. i can look at new places to live or drag my heels. i can cry over an argument with my sister or i can pretend like it doesn’t bother me. i can sit here and wonder why everyone questions everything i say and do or i can just fucking do it. being reflective just means i care about everything i say and do, it doesn’t make me less vulnerable or less of a target.

i have dedicated a lot of my life to becoming a person that everyone would accept and be proud of; but i am starting to realize that i would much rather be proud of myself first. so here’s my final reflection- to all who think i am too reactive, too unsure, too quick to make choices, too irrational, too flighty, too immature; i am strong. i am sure. i am clear headed. i carry a big heart with a decent brain. i am anxious. i am shy. but man, i am killing it when it comes to ‘being capable of making adult choices without y’all cutting in with an opinion or judgement’. sorry not even sorry.

so, your little girl is all grown up. she’s done reflecting on everything that happens in life. she’s making decisions. she’s signing papers. she’s doing what she thinks is right.

step outta the way or you might get run down.

x, alix

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