sink or swim.

i will fully admit to being a ‘glass half empty’ kinda girl. don’t get me wrong, i notice the positives in life and can see a silver lining every once in a while; but having bipolar disorder that was not diagnosed or properly medicated for a decade left me with the inability to control my moods and reactions to the awful or stressful things in my life.

stressed out. that’s how i feel in this exact moment. i can feel myself sinking into this ‘woe is me’ phase and i am gasping for air as i tread the water i have affectionately named ‘adulthood’. and today, i had to stop myself as i yelled at my husband for not feeding the dogs while i was picking up moving boxes from my sister. i stopped myself and said “oh my god girl, get yourself together. you are so in that ugly, not cute place” [literally how i talk to myself]. i had to remind myself of three things:

[one]• this stress; the stress i am experiencing right this minute; is temporary. in eighty three days, i will be in a new home. in ninety two days, it’ll be my thirtieth birthday. in a week, i will see another paycheck hit my account. in an hour, this tylenol will finally descend on my blistering headache. it is all temporary.

[two]• if i keep griping about my stress, i won’t have anyone to act as my stress relievers. so basically i told myself [nicely] to shut the hell up. no one likes to hear constant complaining and honestly i can’t stand when people complain about something but don’t do anything to fix it so i am making it a point to not talk about what’s stressing me out.

and last but not least;

[three]• stress makes me feel like i am sinking. it swells over me and consumes every ounce of energy, light, confidence and optimism. it feels weighted and uncomfortable. when i describe my stress to others, i feel like i have to throw adjectives left and right to make others see just how badly i need a life raft. i feel like i am drowning and that it’ll never work out. there’s that half empty glass. that stupid glass. but i realized something about stress. as long as i am dealing with it; working towards a solution; not complaining about it. as long as i am working on myself and the stress in my life. i am not sinking. i am swimming.

and the truth is, swimming is hard work too. it takes your breath. it takes your brain power. makes you work against the currents. but when it is all over, i will be floating. and life will be rippling beneath me and the sun will shine down on my face and i will be reminded that it was just that- temporary.

so, if life is complicated right now; if you’ve been yanked by the rip currents of adulthood; if you are gasping for air under the six foot swells of stress; i just wanna tell you to break out your floaties and keep em’ nearby. because it isn’t forever. honestly.

“now don’t you worry; we’ll all float on alright” -modest mouse

xo, alix

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