do you ever sit there and think to yourself “i bet if this person knew this about me, things would be easier” or “i bet if this happened to someone else, they would react the same way”? no? well, whatever. because i do that all the time. i am constantly creating lists of things i wish people knew about me because it would make things so much easier.
like; i wish you knew how hard it is for me to take a compliment. or that any social situation makes me nervous. or that i don’t like to call people i don’t know. i sometimes change my drive thru order based on who takes my order. i am not afraid of anything other than dying alone, not the dying part. just the alone part. i have struggled to make friends my whole life and have craved belonging since i could talk. i have so many defense mechanisms that i don’t always know which one will show up to dinner first. often times, my sarcasm arrives before anything else. but honestly, i am not that witty. i have wanted to be beautiful for as long as i can remember. i have sought out beauty in so many ways. i don’t love myself which is cause for concern since i love everyone else ten times as much. i am a lover, not a fighter. confrontation keeps me awake at night. my heart has been broken by so many different people for so many different reasons. just because i am fat doesn’t mean you can’t be friends with me. it has been the reason people have ended friendships which also keeps me awake at night. i have a heart of gold but my anxiety often keeps me locked away. i would try something new in a second but again, my anxiety keeps me locked away. i think i am still searching for who i am. it’s probably the hardest work i have ever done on myself.
a lot of times, i wish people could see all of these things. like i could write them all over my skin and you could read them and instantly be like, okay this chick has some baggage but she’s cool. because the truth is, so much has happened; so many things have broken me; so many words have hurt me; so many people have walked all over me. and yet, here i am. broken but here. stitched together but standing. it annoys me when people make assumptions about me. you assume that because i am fat that i don’t ache to be skinny. you assume that because i am fat that i must do nothing. you assume that because i am married, i can’t have a social life. you assume that because i am smiling, i haven’t been hurt. assumptions are for cowards. for the people who are looking for reasons to flick you off their list. you assume i am not good enough so you aren’t going to try to be my friend or email me back or whatever. and that’s okay.
because it took me thirty years to realize the big thing. which is • why the hell do i care what you think about me anyways?! the only person who should care is me. at the end of the day; hell, at the end of the world; the absolute only person who can ever be trusted to have your back is yourself. so while there are a zillion things i wish people knew about me because it would make the judgements a lot simpler and it would take a lot of the guessing work out, the only person who really matters is myself. and the pressure i put on everything; relationships, career, success, weight loss, beauty, friendships, happiness. all the pressure is self inflicted.
and from now on, the only thing that i wish people would know, is that from this moment forward; every thing i do is for myself and myself only. no more peer pressure. no more sizing myself up to strangers. no more wishing people would guess my deepest fears or secrets. i am seeking authenticity in a big way.
and even though i am going solo on this; i finally feel free. so drop the weights you’re holding. the ones that are heavy because they hold all your regrets, anxieties and drama. the ones that you bring to a party in the hopes that someone will coat check them and you’ll leave them behind. all the shit you carry around hoping people will understand, but they don’t. and when they don’t, you sulk. because being understood is like, life’s greatest accomplishment. well, to hell with being understood by everyone else.
it’s time to understand that the only person who should give a shit is you. and the only person who needs to understand you, well, that’s also you.