still.

i wrote this blog post in my dream. rather than waking up and writing it all down, i waited three days. there is no reason for the wait, honestly. sometimes i just want to try and see if my brain has anything else to add. which only happens on the rare occasion. and if i wait too long, the content disappears from my memory and i am left with the framework of something beautiful but all too empty. regardless, i am still here. still processing everything that happens in my daily life. my blog just rounded the one year corner, which of course makes me think about the last year and i can’t help but look back at all the things that i have overcome and brace myself for the impact of all that has yet to settle.

i began writing a long time ago; like fifteen years ago. i was never good at speaking my mind or apologizing so i often wrote these long letters and poems. i wrote for years on the notepad app of my desktop computer. and i would print them out and put them in this ugly binder that my dad brought home from his work. that binder resurfaces every few years; i will sit cross legged on my bed and tears will stain the stiff pages. it’s a lot. to read the most honest and raw parts of being a depressed teen. those were not the days. and now here i am; with a blog that over three thousand people have stumbled across over the last fifty two weeks. it’s humbling. it’s terrifying. it’s also a lot. but i am not here to ramble about my blog or the creation of it or anything else that might seem egotistical. because that’s not who i am. this is more about the stills; you know. still tired. still working. still eating oreos til my teeth hurt. still forgetting the laundry in the dryer. still eating pop tarts for breakfast. still going to bed on time and waking up dead tired. still hitting snooze. still listening to hilary duff on the way to work. still crying over an episode of parks and rec on netflix. still here. still doing it all. sometimes it’s a lot. other days, it’s just enough.

i am literally unable to be still. my dad used to say “be still” when i was a kid. and i never really understood it. but now, i am one hundred percent into it. i just can’t do it. not capable. but that’s the hard part; in order to do life, you’ve gotta be working with what is still on your plate. the feeling of a lot never really goes anywhere. it’s like every time you cross that final to do off your list, someone puts a bowl and spoon in the sink and you’re there again scrubbing away. but i started thinking that maybe it is me. maybe i am the reason there are a lot of stills happening. that i can’t let them fade into the background. that i don’t allow myself to put my feet up or just let the dishes sit there for an hour. maybe that’s the issue; that i am too good at being on the go, that i failed to learn how to be still.

i think the millennial term for that is called being present. and i know for me, i am continuously trying to be more present. i am always trying my hardest to focus on the now and not the ‘what can i do next’ parts. but being still is really hard. maybe it’s hard for a lot of us and i am just too busy doing the most to recognize it. but either way, i just wanna say that it is important to be present; to be still; to recognize that it doesn’t have to happen now, today, right this second. that you can snuggle your kids or dogs or aliens instead of folding those towels. you can order pizza after sitting on the beltway for forty extra minutes instead of cooking. your kids will live if they eat chicken nuggets and you will survive if you don’t have a skin care routine {unless you’re me and in that case, your skin will just become a crater mess so whatever}. it is more than okay to look at all the stills on your list; still have to do my taxes, still have to mow the lawn, still have to buy a birthday card; you can look at all of them and decide to BE STILL instead. your presence is valuable. and you won’t regret it.

so in the famous words of my father; be still. and own it. because it’ll all still be there when you come back around to it.

xo.