all by myself.

my greatest fear is dying alone. i know i have said that before. it’s not the dying part; just the alone part. i know it probably won’t happen that way but fears are created from unknowns and honestly i don’t know what that will look like. but anyways, loneliness in general is not a place i like to venture. my husband would tell you that i have been falling asleep to the television show friends for over a decade now. so that i can literally be surrounded by people even in my rem cycle.

the one thing no one tells you is how lonely adulthood really is. and i don’t mean in a like pathetic, sad, i never leave my house kinda way. i just mean like no one is blowing up my phone anymore. i am not texting til two in the morning. i am not smoking marlboro reds at a diner with six of my coworkers. my invite list is mostly birthday dinners or neighborhood events or happy hour with my husband. the in between parts are the parts that are kinda lonely. and maybe it’s just me; maybe i am just the type of person who has to cling to society to feel like i am alive. probably. i am talking about this because i spent today entirely alone. which if you know me well, then you know that’s a rare thing. i am usually watching netflix with my husband or hanging at my sister’s houses or bothering my parents in their retirement. or i am shopping with my best friends or eating a meal {i never miss one}. but alone time is not a strong suit of mine. i thrive on human contact. i have never eaten in a restaurant alone or been to the movies by myself. i don’t even like to go to the mall by myself. i know, so bizarre. but anyways, i spent the whole day by myself today. legit from seven this morning to four this evening. and while i enjoyed working out in peace and quiet and i ran errands blaring the new carly rae jepsen album; by one o’clock, i was craving human contact. i had worked out, been to the library {very few talkers there}, grabbed breakfast, been to the grocery store {the teenage checkeroutter was not interested in chatting}, meal prepped, went to the ups store {and seriously irritated the girl there because i brought my amazon return package without the actual return item} and then got my nails done. i found myself like actively looking for someone to say something too. and that’s when i realized; i just don’t like to be all by myself. not because i don’t like to hang out with myself {i am a blast and a half truly} but because i can’t be alone.

cue the list of flaws and add this to it. who the hell doesn’t like to be alone?! is this chick insane?! what is her problem?! ugh, i know right? but in all seriousness, this is my dilemma because as i mentioned earlier, loneliness is a larger part of adulthood than anyone let on and i don’t do lonely so . . . what’s a girl to do?! my therapist told me once that i need to try to do more things solo. like meals and movies. but who wants to do that by themselves? it’s way more fun to eat chicken wings with your best friend or go lay by the pool with your coolest coworker. who is gonna share their sno caps with me if i go solo to see toy story? i don’t actually like sno caps enough to buy them myself but i do want a few to munch on! in here lies the dilemma; the neediness complex; the desire for human contact twenty four seven; it comes down to this- there is something wrong with the idea of being alone. the concept is frightening and often from an outside perspective, perhaps seen as odd to spend time alone. but i think i might be wrong.

because being a grown up comes with a lot more lulls in social life and people. people have stomped all over your heart. people have lied to you. people have cancelled on you. people have damaged your spirit. people have hurt you; made you cry; walked out on you; forgotten to be there for you. you’ve watched it happen dozens of times. and here you are- craving connection.

but the bigger piece is . . . being okay with spending time with who you are. and i think that’s the part that needs the most care. the garden of me has been vastly underwatered and poorly tended. my weeds and soil are messy and i surely can’t grow anymore like this. so instead of worrying about who can tend to my lonely needs, i have to work on who i am so that i can spend an entire day with myself and not ache for a phone call or conversation.

it’s time to be all by myself, working on myself, for myself. which hasn’t happened since like two thousand eleven so here’s to finding all the best parts about being me and spending time with me and actually doing it.

xo.

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