wrong.

i once heard that when you admit your wrongs, your whole soul opens up. maybe that’s true. i hope i find out this week. currently have three emails in my drafts; all clearing bad air and admitting partial fault. nothing that ever goes south in my life is one hundred percent the other person’s fault; even though sometimes it all goes wrong simply because of my anxiety or just how intensely i love. i am a firm believer in my horoscopes and astrological sign {scorpios forever} and i am totally truly in touch with my two enneagram. my personality is a tricky one to like and even harder to love. but lately, admitting wrong has come up a lot. apologizing is hard because we have to admit fault and we also have to say it out loud. we are quick to apologize when someone apologizes first. i have discovered a lot recently; not limited to discovering just how hard it is to understand that not everyone likes you and not everyone loves you. i have also learned that not everyone wants to be your friend. some people are friends with you because they feel like they have to be; maybe it’s a coworker who just feels like they have to be your friend because it makes office life a lot easier or maybe it’s a family member who just wants to be your friend when they have no one else. a lot of the time i am waiting for people to apologize for hurting me or for faking a friendship or for loving someone else the way i want to be loved. a lot of the time i am waiting for someone to text me first when i know it’s always me to text first. a lot of the time i am wishing for people to like and love the way that i do; which is often disappointing. i am not perfect; i was not created to be subtle nor was i created to walk this earth as the queen of perfection. but it’s quite hypocritical of me to expect everyone to fit into my perfect mold of like and love. but it also hurts my heart when people let me down.

i have done my fair share of wronging; from age fifteen and on, i have damaged a lot and patched a lot and taped a lot back together. i have broken things and mended things and sewn things at the seams. i have ended things only to have them come back a second, third, fifth and tenth time. i have fooled myself many times and shamed myself just as many. i told my therapist last week that even though mercury is done with its retrograde, i am not. i am in a very new place in my life; one that i haven’t tread before. i am tearing down some bits of my own wall; which is extremely difficult and surprisingly very exposing. i am more vulnerable and i have found a lot of strength in trying new things. i am discovering that a lot of the people i thought i knew, are actually more like strangers and i am putting caution tape around the areas of my life that i no longer want people to trudge all over, especially people who wear heavy boots and stomp when they walk. i am redefining who i am and what i want. i am absolutely terrified of what the future holds and as equally terrified of what my new identity will look like when the transformation is complete. because like i said when i plopped down into my therapist’s chair this week {i refuse to sit or lie on a couch in a therapist’s office; way too cliche}, there is so much that i am changing and so much that i have taken on; between enrolling in a doctoral program to teaching to tutoring and getting my health and weight under control to letting go of all the people who hurt me over and over again to righting all the wrongs and trying to get enough sleep and trying not to solve my problems with a haircut. i realized that all of those things are on my to do list; they aren’t required. they aren’t musts. they are tasks to better ones life and ones self and it takes time.

so while i right all my wrongs this week and start to take myself more seriously; i am also going to remind myself that rome wasn’t built in a day; i didn’t gain all my weight in one meal; the sun takes three hundred and sixty five days to accomplish just one rotation; my chapter twelve is someone else’s chapter three which might be someone else’s chapter nineteen; a butterfly goes through a major story line before it even gets the wings; and being right about all of it: ya know, relationships, friendships, life, careers; being right about all of it, isn’t always the case. sometimes we are wrong. maybe we are wrong about what we said, how we said it, what we did, the job we say yes to, the person we bail on, the heart we break, the tears we cause. we can’t be right all the time.

so own the wrongs. take the wrongs. say you’re sorry. take accountability for whatever it is that’s bugging the hell out of you and your soul.

they say righting your wrongs opens up your whole soul; wouldn’t that be something marvelous to see? xo.