restless.

the last few nights i have been going to bed with a restless head and waking up with a restless heart. what do i mean by that? it’s fairly simple. by the time i swallow my nighttime allergy pill and rub the last of my moisturizer into my face, my head starts to fill with all the things that keep me awake. like what i ate, more specifically, if what i ate was good enough. or how much weight i still need to lose. or how many points my professor took off my paper this week. or if my friend leaving the exclamation point off her text means she’s mad at me. restless head. the kind you can’t turn off or slip a benadryl to because it’s just restless. awake and winding you through all these tunnels that you don’t need to explore at quarter to one. ya know? anyways, so i end up waking up with a restless heart. the kind that feels defeated and bent and out of shape. the one that’s filled with anxiety before my feet have even hit the floor. the kind that has me beating myself up over things that are actually okay or in my control or not even on my radar.

it’s a lot of competition that seeps into the restlessness. where you’re scrolling through before you shut the light and someone you know is cranking out a harder workout or on a vacation that you wish you had been invited on since you always include people on yours or a bigger weight loss milestone or whatever. it is exhausting. spending time bettering yourself only to feel like you are two fries short of a happy meal when it comes to everyone else. and lately, it’s been creating this ugly restless head and heart. because there have been dozens of times where people have legitimately told me that they can’t be in my life because they hate that i have more than them. can you believe that?! i have had at least four people tell me that my life is too perfect or too together to be friends with me. for freakin’ real. which is fine. because i don’t need anyone holding me next to something else and questioning its authenticity. like nah, i am good. but this restless head and restless heart thing has me hypocritical because i am driving myself crazy over here, comparing apples to oranges, size twos to size twelves, photoshop to real life, starvation diets to healthy lifestyles, fake friends to real friends, excluding to including. the whole mess of it feels exactly like high school. like honest to goodness, high school bullshit. and i am not about to relive that nonsense.

so i said to myself, ‘self, you are restless. over other people! you aren’t even restless over your own foolishness or your own mess or your own life. you are literally spinning in circles over things that aren’t yours; things you do not own or control or even have to authority to feel some type of way about. if you wanna be restless, be restless about your own plate. look at your own stuff, your own goals, your own missions; take those and build a moat around the restlessness. because you can only be restless about your own shit and you can only be restless about it if you aren’t doing one hundred percent, bettering yourself to the best of your ability, owning it all with everything you have.’

and you can’t be doing everything you can with your own goals if you are restless in the head and heart over somebody else’s life, somebody else’s goals, somebody else’s stuff.

less resting on what others are doing. more owning on what you are doing, what you want out of all the hard work. less resting on the comparisons between homegirl on instagram and more focus on what you want, homegirl. less resting on what has hurt you or broken you or damaged you and more dedication to sealing the cracks and filing your sharp edges.

you weren’t born to be restless. you weren’t born to worry about everyone else. you were born to be brave and strong and hardcore and happy and willing and grateful and full of whatever the hell you wanna be filled with. so stop resting on less. move out of your own damn way and put ya blinders on. it’s just you against the world. it’s what you’re doing that matters.

leave the resting to the less. and just do you, your goals and whatever the hell else you want. xoxo.