solid.

i have had more than one meltdown this week. one of them was all alone in my bed at eleven pm on monday. i soaked my pillowcase all the way through and cried so hard i threw up. the second one was a half hour ago on the bottom step, with my husband hanging on to every blubbery word out of my mouth. why am i telling you this? no, not so you’ll message me and over to hear my woes over the phone. i am telling you this because while i am solid as a rock, when you look at me from afar. or i appear to be laced in strength when you pick apart my social media feeds. or my life looks so together and organized and figured out as you scan my appearance and note that my shoes do in fact match my sweater. lemme tell ya, i am about as solid as a house of cards in a hurricane {if you know this line from a backstreet boys song, we can be friends} right now. sure, i built my foundation outta real solid stuff. pieced together all the broken bits, bought the best glue, sealed the edges, layered the bricks and built it all real high. there have been highs and lows and traumas and successes and losses and mistakes and a million other things that i have placed onto what is only sometimes solid footing.

in this season of life, i don’t feel very solid. not feeling liquidy either so step back. just feeling a little wobbly. a little off. a little unsure. a little unstable. a little unbalanced. but it comes with the season, or at least that’s what i have told myself. it’s okay not to hold your head high all the damn time; because your neck needs a break. it’s okay not to smile all the damn time; you’ll cause crows feet. it’s okay to curl up in a ball and melt into whatever feeling you’re having. because if we were all solid all the time, how would we ever be able to find any pieces of ourselves to salvage? to be in a place where you aren’t solid doesn’t mean you aren’t strong. it doesn’t make you small or weak or little or simple. if you aren’t feeling solid, it doesn’t mean you have a crack in your foundation. it simply means that you’ve been standing too long, and perhaps it’s time to rest.

solid. liquidy. wobbly. whatever you are. i am here for it all. i know how i was built because i crafted my structure. from my first plop into a therapist’s chair at age five to texting my therapist two days ago at age thirty one. i give myself a helluva lot of credit when it comes to the house i built. the me i created. the frame that stands. the foundation that hasn’t sunk yet. while i am not solid all the time; i haven’t crumbled to the ground.

so if you’re feeling a little weak; a little tired; a little shaky. if you’re feeling off or not solid. if you have had a meltdown or two or three. if you’re just not having any luck or any fun. it’s okay to not be solid all the time. we aren’t statues. we aren’t made of rocks. we are solid when we can be; solid when we need to be; solid when we want to be.

and my solid self has been doing the damn thing since eighty eight so it’s okay to take a break and let the house settle a bit.

xoxo.

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