my new wake up time is four oh four. like clockwork. i am up and restless; thinking about the bazillion things i could do if the world operated twenty four hours a day. i am so the type that wishes target was open all day and all night and there there was a nail salon that had middle of the night appointments. i could get so much done if we operated like that. but anyways, i really should be asleep. but instead i have just been scrolling through and reading old blog posts from the last six months. and i realized a few things . . .
one • eight hundred people have read my blog in twenty nineteen. which is crazy and humbling and it made me realize that this whole journey, this whole season, this whole hot mess that i write about has not just been inspiring to those of you who click and read, but its also helped heal me along the way. when i started this blog eighteen months ago, it stemmed from needing a place to just word vomit and hope that someone else felt the same way. particularly about friendship and the hard parts of being in my twenties. and it truly has brought me closer to people who were feeling the same and dealing with the same trials and tribulations. it’s brought me further into my journey of self discovery and has helped me continue the search for my identity. i am grateful for all that this blog has offered me when it comes to the great search, the giant mess of a journey and the growth, while not all of it has been comfortable, along the way. which leads me to . . .
two • we have come a long way. ya know, the proverbial journey of work or at least that’s what it’s always been called when i walk into a psychiatrist’s office. the work. the hard stuff. the ugly, uncomfortable and unsettling work. from the beginning, i always felt overwhelmed. if i could’ve been a fly on the wall the day i can out of the womb, i would’ve been like “oh there she is, overwhelmed with existence at ten minutes old”. because for me, the whole being human thing has always just felt like a lot. and i know i could win an academy award for best dramatic performance in a thirty one year old story about a girl but hey, i recognize that about myself so let’s just chalk it up to “that’s growth” and move on. but we have come a long way. we have accepted the hand that was dealt, even if we threw a fit or tossed the deck into the air for a bit. we graciously accepted what was given and figured out a way to make it work. through the stumbles and the mistakes and the falls and the get back ups, we are further ahead then we once were. and that’s the best part of all this. being able to look back at the start of journey. seeing all the pain and angst and anxiety. ends of friendships, broken noses, empty bank accounts, struggles in a marriage, moving, tears, new friends, student loans, new jobs, heartbreak, new love, nightmares, drama, dreams. it’s all been there along the way. we have faced a lot of demons and climbed the harder hills and we have come a long way. say it louder. we have come a long way! say it again. w e h a v e c o m e a l o n g w a y !
and three • there is nothing stagnant about growth. nothing flatline about healing. nothing straight and narrow and normal about looking at everything and accepting it for what it is. when i first started this blog, i was head under water in sixty thousand dollars of credit card debt, newly married, gaining weight, grieving the loss of my best friend in a traumatic and tragic death just three years prior while navigating the starts and finishes of long term friendships. and here i am eighteen months later, with new battles faced and new hurdles ahead. but i am all the wiser. and i have come a long way. i accept the seasons that come; for they are exactly that- seasons. which means they don’t last forever. i have embraced what stresses me and i hold tight to what doesn’t. and while i may not sleep well at night, i know who is there when i wake and who i can trust. i have come a long way. in discovering what’s important, what isn’t, what i can handle and what breaks me, what i deserve and what gets to talk to the hand. we have all come a long way even if we can still see the starting line. even if you moved one step or even two steps and took one step back. the point is, you’ve come a long way. i have come a long way. we have come a long way. in whatever journey you’re on. whatever path you’re on. twenty twenty ain’t got nothing on you.
so take a moment to embrace yourself. for you moved away from whatever broke your heart or your spirit or your bank account. you took one step forward and maybe that led to a year of steps forward or maybe it was just the one or maybe somewhere in between. but all that matters is you have come a long way. a long way away from where you were, what you were doing, what was your reality. keep doing the damn thing. xo.
three:seventeen musings 