hey y’all. wanna hear my truth bomb? even if you said no, i am gonna tell ya anyways. i have three started and unfinished blog posts just sitting here. not this one. this one came from a place of just overall restlessness and frustration that’s basically been bubbling under the surface of my acne prone skin for the last like three weeks. and honestly, i think it’s what has caused this writer’s block. so annoying. but anyways, this just sense of restlessness and frustration that’s just been chilling has had me bent since like january seventy fourth; and no, it’s not like seasonal affectiveness. it’s more of just like this ughhhhhhhhh. what is up with me?! this sense of just being frustrated with myself and my habits and my friendships and my attitude and my commitments and my schedule and ughhhh. and here’s the thing, i once heard this girl say that she was so tired of hearing people wear the word ‘busy’ like a badge of honor and at first, i was like ohhhh yes girl, let me get my popcorn and watch this instagram go up in flames but then i realized, oh shit! this girl is talking about me! i mean, not literally, but like if the shoe fits . . . and it hit me- i am always busy. not for any other reason than i don’t like not being busy. but then when i am busy, i am so overwhelmed and wish i wasn’t busy. such a vicious cycle. but this whole restless ugh feeling; i have to credit myself on that. can’t hand that to anyone else. because i handcrafted my own spiritual unrest. by wearing ‘busy’ like i am out to save the damn planet. nope. because by being overwhelmed and frustrated and restless, i have not only created my own writer’s block, but i have also blocked myself for being able to be what i actually need to be and i have blocked myself for seeing what is actually there.
this mood of mine. this restless ugh frustrated ugh vibe has quite literally created so many false narratives. from the ‘you are so fat and disgusting narrative’ which i self created after bringing chicken wings for lunch and not meal prepping or working out to the ‘you have no friends narrative’ which came from feeling blown off and left out all the way to the ‘you aren’t going anywhere narrative’ which stems from the constant wheel that turns involving my finances. and the narratives just never stop. i have blocked myself from being able to see what’s actually in front of me. what i actually have. what i am actually capable of. what is really happening.
this mood, this vibe, this ugh whatever this shit is- it’s literally blocking my soul from experiencing what has truly manifested. i am not fat or disgusting, i just need to re-evaluate my choices and reprioritize my health and my goals. i have plenty of friends and really wonderful people; it’s just that moment in time when you aren’t at the top of everyone’s list and while that’s lonely and weird and uncomfortable, it’s not always like that. and i will be going somewhere; when the time is right and the cards align and when being an adult is less hard. the block that i created and set down to rest on my heart and soul was heavy and ugly and ugh. and it took this massive thirty four day writer’s block for me to understand that the narratives that i write, often are untrue and hold no value.
i can rewrite them. I can lift the gates. i can clear the streets and realign my spirit. i know my worth and know my truth. i can’t let a writer’s block become a whole ugly manifestation of restless, incomplete and false attacks on me and my soul.
my body is my body and it will be what carries me through everything. my friendships are valuable and the real ones will be here, even when they don’t always call or text. and adulthood will work itself out, just in due time.
don’t let writer’s block become a block of your heart and soul. the ugh, whatever, restless feeling is just a warning- to slow down and appreciate the true narratives and recognize that the rest is just bullshit.