not.

i go through phases. and maybe i am one thousand percent alone in the bracket of people who go through phases. it’s probably the most exhausting part about my existence. the phases. okay okay i will be more specific. right now, i am in the deepest part of the ‘not enough’ phase. it comes around every once in a while; usually after the failure to meet a goal or a huge pattern of stress. both of which are right here, in my hands. i have been endlessly busy, responsibilities stacked high, calendar a little full. not in a bad way, just in a busy way. and before you call me out on my own shit, i fully recognize that everyone is busy. that’s not really what i am talking about. i am talking about the candle burning from both ends. and because it’s burning from both ends, there is not a lot left in between. by the end of the day, there is not much left to dish out to all the people who need it. but most importantly, there is not enough left for myself. which has led me to where i am right now; saying adios to the goals i met from july to december and recognizing that i let the stress and overwhelming parts of my life take a toll on pretty much every ounce of my existence. there wasn’t enough to pour back into myself. no, wait. there is not enough to pour back into myself. like currently. not. enough.

and so i have been wandering around, aimlessly. hoping to figure it out. hoping the motivation would kick back in. hoping i would stop overthinking things. hoping i could hold steady to the piles in front of me and everything i still had behind me. and i realized that the problem was me. not everyone else. not everything in front of me. because all of that can wait. but me, i can not wait. this life, this reality, this won’t always be here. but more importantly, i can not wait. i can not continue to put myself dead last. because i am burnt at both ends; treading water a mile a minute. flustered and running around and trying to keep up and it just isn’t working. because there isn’t enough of me for everyone and enough of me for me. and so here we are. at a crossroads. and i have decided to stop putting “taking care of myself” behind the word not and instead i am not going to • be left on read, • overcommit myself, • forget my goals, • compare my goals to other people, • bail on people, • say yes when i know i need to say no, • put pressure on myself when there is no one else pressuring me, • forget who i am and how i got this far, • call myself fat or ugly or a failure, • let people forget about me, • take on friendships that drain me, • forget to say goodnight to my wonderful husband and most importantly i am not going to let the nots come back in and empty my cup, my soul, my brain or my heart.

here’s to a fresh path. the one paved in a whole lot of certains and choices, clearly marked with all the things i want and none of what i don’t. where not is only put in front of “enough cheese or chocolate”. and where i come first and everything that breaks me, frustrates me, makes me cry or allows me to forget that i was here first- gets left in the dust. i refuse to not be the best version of myself and i will not be stopped.

so are ya with me? let’s go. xo.