it’s a little after midnight. honestly, i have no clue what day it is. tuesday? no. it has to be wednesday at this point. anyways, i am so exhausted but here we are. my brain is operating at full function and i of course, am ready to shut that shit down. so many of you have told me that i have one helluva blog post to write and it got me thinking. yeah, i probably do. but probably not in the way you think. i mean, yes. i can one thousand percent outline every single blistering moment and feeling of the last sixteen days of hell here on earth. or even better, outline the true definition of strength and endurance that my body has embraced since arriving back into the hospital on monday. the high fevers. the chills. the absolute panic. the feeling of losing control of your whole body. the one thing you thought you had some sense of understanding with. the one thing that’s yours entirely. nah, covid got you. and i mean that in all seriousness. when people ask me about my pain or my symptoms, it is so hard to explain. this body is just a host for this infectious disease at this point and i am merely along for the ride. it’s been miserable. so scary. so lonely. so awful. but also, so very powerful. when you are looking at death straight in the eye and let me tell you, i one thousand percent can say that this disease has tried to take me out. there is something about coming back from it. from being a statistic to fighting harder than before. most of you know me for the greatest drama performance ever- my life. a lot of people call me dramatic and it honestly took more out of me to post updates than it did to fight the virus at times. because i constantly felt like i had to post in such a way that avoided freaking people out but also made sure that y’all stay the hell home too. this whole thing has been indescribable. the pain, the shock, the terror. watching the numbers plummet and hoping you could stop shivering long enough for your machine to stop beeping. from trying to be optimistic to answering a million advance directive questions. i am thirty one. closer to thirty one than thirty two. and i have gotten to a point where my life is flashing before me. see? i told y’all that you knew me from the greatest drama performance of my life. and every time someone says that i have one helluva blog to post; i can’t stop thinking about it. because i don’t want to relive it. it quite frankly has left me so changed, in so many ways.
but i guess the most important part about catching the globally pandemic infectious disease is that it has changed me. in so so so many ways. and maybe that’s what this blog is about. about how i entered a sixteen day out of body experience and returned completely anew. no, no, no. not in the same way jesus said brb and left the tomb. no, i mean. wow. experiencing something that stripped everything from me and forced me to claw my way to the surface, alone and in the deepest and darkest parts of fear and to finally breathe air on the other side. that’s what i am talking about. for me to pray forty hail marys at the peak of a one hundred and three fever. for me to sob into the mask i had been wearing for nearly four days as someone took an eighteenth tube of blood. for me to stare at the walls and just ache from my hair to my toenails. and to know, that on the outside, there was an entire army of people cheering, praying, holding hope, sending love and good vibes and well wishes. and to know, that it worked. i will fully admit to having some survivor’s guilt right now. i will also admit that i am still so fearful for this virus and for what it can do. covid nineteen showed me who i am. i know, that sounds stupid. but no, it really and truly made me face some of my bigger demons and harder parts. the loneliness. the fear. the overwhelming anxiety. the strongest desires to hold anyone or anything. the lack of human contact. the sheer amount of guts it takes to ask an infectious disease doctor in a hazmat suit if you are going to live. i cannot believe i am on the other side, writing this. but i actually can. because of my family and my husband and my friends and my community and the world- all up to bat for me. all there beside me. holding me up.
so yes, hey. it’s me. i am alive. and so is this blog. and i am sorry it took me so long. i was just wrestling a pandemic and it took a little longer than i thought.
i am back. xoxo.