uncertain.

i wish i could pinpoint like one word that fits our current global climate. ya know? like just one way to describe it to my brain so i could stop waking up in the middle of the night, hoping it was all just a dream. all of it. not just the virus in my body but what every single human on this planet is feeling right now. uncertain, right? wow. my iPhone autocorrected uncertain to undertaker for a moment and that just felt like “too soon” moment. okay, apple? like i know you’re listening so let’s bring it back around to uncertain. k, thanks. anyways. like i was saying- the whole world is just in this constant revolving door of uncertainty. the obvious ones on the table right? how much longer? is this forever? when can i drop my children off at someone else’s house? when can i drink wine with my friends or go back to the gym or go anywhere? and then the uncertainty that maybe less people are feeling but it’s still so real. what if my job cuts me? what if i can’t make my mortgage or my rent or my bills? what if this cancels my wedding or my birthday? or the uncertainty that no one wants to talk about but it’s sadly right there, in front of us. what if someone i know gets the virus? what if i get the virus? what if someone i know dies and i have to log into a computer call to say my goodbyes? there’s so much uncertainty that it’s kinda exhausting. i know for me, i stopped watching and reading any news weeks ago. i was so tired of reading one thing and then forty five minutes later, see it be washed away by some new information. wanna know how exhausting that is for someone who had the virus? more exhausting than anything else. but the uncertainty is starting to grow. we are all restless after what has felt like an eternity. trust me, i feel ya. we are all looking for the same answer to the same question. when can i leave my four walls and roof and see the real world?! and so we just cling to the maybes and the possiblies and the one day at a time reel. but it doesn’t take away the uncertainty in our minds. we want to know. so we can plan. so we can map out our grief. so we can be sure. so we can stay sane. and since we can’t do anything about the uncertainty, it kinda takes over. it just lurks in our brains and in our hearts and in our conversations and in our prayers.

but, we have also started to come around to the idea that this just our now. this is what we have been handed. and this is what we are working with right now. and so when we begin to bring in the word ‘now’, the uncertainty kinda floats to the back of the brain. because we are only focused on right now. and right now, is a little more controllable than the rest of it. but i get it, i really do. people message me everyday, checking on me and asking about recovery. and there is a lot of uncertainty with that too. when will i feel normal again? or is this my new normal? how can i accept this as my new normal? the head game. nobody prepared us for the amount of energy we would have to dedicate to the sheer process of understanding and accepting the uncertainty. because before all of this, we would find ways to battle the uncertainty. by grabbing coffee with a friend and talking it out. or hitting a cardio class at the gym to redistribute our angst. or we would be going to work and getting our paycheck and the uncertainty wouldn’t really even be there. but now, it’s here. the fear of what’s to come. the fear of the what’s next and the unknown and the what ifs. and what can we do?

well, we can let it control us. sure. that’s easy enough. we can sit back and just let it consume us. or we can stop and break things down. which is what i had to do yesterday when the reality set in that i might lose my job if this carries into the fall. but i stopped myself and changed the focus on my mirror. we don’t have to accept all the fear and worry that knocks on our door. we can only handle so much. it’s okay to only welcome what you can process and handle and send on its way. for me, i can only handle recovering from a pandemic infectious disease that nearly took my life two weeks ago. that’s the thing that knocked down my door and entered my headspace. and while i didn’t really invite it in, i had to make room. so that’s my focus. i am not thinking about september or the idea of even filing for unemployment. i am not worried about the virus anymore; because social distancing works and that’s all i can say.

so if you can’t leave anxieties and uncertainty out in the pouring rain; which i totally get because if i could, i would. pick which one you can let in, process, handle and set free. doesn’t have to be the whole collection all at once. they are visitors not residents. sit down, wrap your head around just one at a time and then send it packing. the uncertainty will pass. and you’ll be grateful you didn’t open your headspace to more than one uncertainty.

this right now that we have going on feels uncertain. and for me, that’s the ugliest thing to carry around. but maybe we don’t have to carry all the things that show up knocking on our door. maybe we only let in what we can handle.

xoxo.