no. not the beyoncé one. although, she’s probably the quarantine content we need right now. it’s currently four twenty nine in the morning. i have been up for just over two hours. i was wrong when i said four oh four was my new wake up time in a december blog post. i mean, sure. four oh four is usually a good time to chat but these days, two eighteen and our classic three seventeen are also good times to chat. and before you tell me to pop an advil pm and take five slow deep breaths, let me tell you why i am up. and i should preface this with what i tell everyone – i haven’t slept since nineteen ninety eight if we are being honest. in fact, there was a period of my life where i was actually afraid to go to sleep. like okay, alix. talk about one of my insane irrational fears. but that is a story for another day, maybe the next time we are quarantined, okay? cool. so anyways, since i have literally been awake for the last twenty two years, it’s hardly surprising that i am awake now. most of my content comes to me as i shift my pillows for the hundredth time and try to avoid the death glare my husband gives me because the reapplication of my essential oils woke him up. it’s the hive that keeps me up. no, that’s not some cool term for all of my adorable fans. no, i mean like the hive. the one that’s buzzing and active and annoying. all. the. damn. time. and here’s the thing.
i dont have an inner monologue; ya know, where you are constantly having conversations with yourself or playing things out in your head. there’s no voice for me. which is not only incredibly insane because i mean, hello? have you met me? but also, everyone questions how i can possibly make any life decisions if i don’t have a cartoon lizzie mcguire in my head. but i do have a hive. quite similar to a computer with sixty eight tabs open. four of them are playing music but you aren’t sure which ones. one of them has an ad playing so that’s stuck on repeat. and here’s how it’s not an inner monologue; there’s no voice. more specific, never do i ever hear anything in my own voice. but the hive, it’s just busy. like all of my body and brain and space is aware and awake and busy. i attribute it to how my body is currently responding to everything that’s happening; in its own space as well as to what’s happening around me. but i just feel like it’s a little consuming right now. i have had a hive my whole life. just a busy, always active, constantly moving and awake sense of self. always processing something. consistent gears turning and shifting. just a constant buzz. but the hive is exhausting. i feel like i am always thinking about what’s next or what if or if not now, then when. it’s a lot right now. no matter which way we turn our heads or our ears or our hearts. even for me, after taking all the time to remove triggering posts and unfriending people who believe it’s all a big hoax or a joke or turning my cheek to those who say that the weak should die because that’s what darwin meant by survival of the fittest; i still find myself overwhelmed or ready to shutdown at any moment. but the hive, the buzzing, the awareness. all the time. it’s not a big deal most of the time. but right now, the hive is housing a few more bees. pandemic worry bees. virus survivor bees. crushing under the weight of the stress all of this has created bees. and it’s hard to keep away extra visitors in the hive. i am perfectly content with my regular hive. the don’t forget to switch the laundry over, we need syrup at the store, you owe dad fifty bucks, i wonder where that pair of jeans is, did i mail the electric bill, no i probably didn’t, well then where the hell is the envelope content and consumption. but with the global climate currently, it’s even harder to keep the hive free of hoax posts and plandemic videos and protest pictures and every single human that wants things to be different but doesn’t actually wanna follow the rules. the hive is always moving and shaking. every night. all the time.
and i think that what this means is that it’s time to disrupt the hive. ya know? grab a stick and take a whack at it. upset the going ons in the hive. take a little control over the buzzing. which means starting a new routine and reestablishing some normalcy here. because things won’t be the way they were and i already have accepted that and am ready to embrace what’s next but i know that’s not the case for everyone. the hive has been busy and buzzing and in full on active mode for quite some time. and it’s got a lot of power right now. and it’s disrupting a lot of what i am, including a killer rem cycle. so it’s time to kick some of these buzzing hive friends outta here. and while i am saying that my new routine will be very self care forward, it’s also going to focus more on healing. healing my heart and soul and body and spirit. by taking control of what i can control. because i can’t control the world. or the news. or any human other than myself. i can lessen the stress and anxiety and worry and fear by handling my own hive.
it’s time to shake the hive up a bit and get to making honey. xo.