lost.

lately, i have been feeling overwhelmed. in fact, when i logged into my therapy session earlier this week, i was already in tears. it was my fifth breakdown of the day. and before you say anything, i break down often these days. i have marched a long way to make it to the sixty day mark in virus recovery and the path has had a lot of hills and plateaus. and honestly, the breakdowns are standard operating procedure at this point. sometimes, i will sob over stupid stuff, like spilling an entire tervis tumbler of water all over my iPhone charger. other times, i will cry simply because i haven’t slept in several days or because there is more hair in the shower drain than on my head at this point. sometimes, i cry when i read ignorant things online or see that even though we’ve come so far since king gave his famous speech fifty plus years ago, we haven’t come far enough. i also cry when ugly emails and messages enter my inbox- virus related or not. or when someone just skips the formalities and guts your character and integrity right there in the first few sentences. often, i cry because i feel overwhelmed. and when i logged into therapy this week and was already in tears, my therapist humored me by saying ‘your trademark is to describe your feelings as overwhelming; is that what’s up right now?’ and of course, i shouted yes! because that’s exactly what’s happening. there are so many feelings. and i know, so many people are probably tired of hearing about my feelings or just feelings in general. and that’s okay. my blog is not for everyone and there’s a saying that i am sure will appear in my obituary which simply goes like this: “keep it moving, boo”. because if you found yourself here, reading this; then you came here already knowing that all i ever do is talk about feelings. because there is something extremely invigorating about putting your feelings and emotions out on the table and not having them squished back down. validation is something that i am constantly seeking; one hundred percent of the time. which by the way, is exhausting. especially when seeking it from people who will never validate. and when i started unpacking the validation issue in therapy in july of twenty seventeeen [yes, we are three years deep here people], my therapist would constantly remind me that people never change. and that’s true to some extent. we shift or alter ourselves to meet what’s around us but i am a firm believer that our cores; our truest, deepest centers never ever ever change.

and so as i reflect constantly, sometimes in the shower, other times at three in the morning wide awake and i think about all these feelings and emotions and people and changes and the overwhelming feeling creeps back in; i start to realize that i am overwhelmed because i currently feel lost. and not in the like ‘omg what’s gonna happen to the economy and when will life go back to normal?’ i mean, sure those things run across the jumbotron in my head but no, i mean lost. can’t find my way back home. searching everywhere for every single thing. lost. because i have lost a lot. a lot of time, a lot of normalcy, a lot of who i was. and while i have been through an experience that has truly transformed me; i am utterly lost. searching for pieces of me hidden in large clumps of anxiety and trauma. digging through immense emotions and piles of anger and grief only to be met with the beast that is sadness. i am lost in my own body- trying to find beauty in it, trying not to weep over fistfuls of hair, trying to get back into a journey towards healthy eating and exercise. but i am often met with setbacks- chest pain, exhaustion and the highest levels of anxiety. they creep back in and destroy anything that has brought me closer to being found. and i am constantly seeking validation, even still to this day. even three years into therapy sessions where i dump everything onto the table and my therapist, god love her, scoops it all up and accepts it for what it is and she pushes me back into the world; reminding me to only seek validation from within or from safe spaces and whole hearts. and so i realize in all of this reflecting and searching and wandering; that everything i am feeling and all of these emotions are perfectly okay. they really are. and so when i spewed my unsettled heart and guts to my husband just over an hour ago, he said to me ‘yeah, that is a lot. and that’s okay. you have every right to be feeling all of those things’. and there it was. in neon freaking lights. validation. right there. accepting of something; understanding of something. even if you in fact, don’t actually understand. and even though that didn’t bring me home, it made me feel comfortable enough to lie down for a bit and not keep searching.

because the last two months have been a whole mess. and i have been through a lot. and so has my body and so has my mind and so has my heart and so has my head. and while i recognize that it’s nobody’s problem but mine; the wandering and searching have left me tired and lonely. and even if you can’t wrap your head around what someone else is holding onto; it doesn’t mean you can’t help them find their way to safe haven.

you don’t have to have a map. or a compass. or even the keys to the place i am looking for. i just need some solid ground to walk on. just a friend to travel with for a few moments. just a companion for a bit of the walk.

i am lost and that’s okay. the battle has been fought and this is just the victory lap. it’s a helluva lap. and it’s unfamiliar and terrifying. i am lost. but not forever. i will find solace in my new place. soon.

and along the way, i will seek comfort and validation in safe ports and still souls.

xo.

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