lemonade.

i am almost certain that’s the title of a beyoncé song. or something like that. but anyways, life kinda feels like it’s falling apart right now. and i find myself leaning heavily on the notes app which is where this blog exists. in case you wanted to know. i have my whole life story in an untitled folder right here on my iPhone. probably not the best place to keep my life’s work. when i was in grad school the first time, my computer crashed and erased the first sixty two pages of my thesis and so i had to spend three days with basically no sleep rewriting it. you would think i would have some kinda back up system but maybe that will become a priority in the coming months. with all the excessive amount of downtime that i will suddenly have. i didn’t realize that my pandemic downtime was gonna be the highlight of twenty twenty. but honestly, things feel kinda apart right now. and not in the like ‘my world is crumbling around me’ kinda way. although maybe? i don’t know. at the risk of sounding dramatic, let’s just say no to that. it’s just that everything is shifting. everything. my schedule. my time. my energy. my appetite. my wants. my needs. my abilities. my thought process. my career. my plans. my dreams. my wishes. every time i try to lift my head, it feels like the rain begins to fall. and people tell me all the time that i am so strong and so brave and so resilient so when i feel like i am not, i feel like i have to be. but i am struggling. and for a few moments, this is going to sound like a pity festival but that’s okay. because my life has just changed. and the reality of it all is that it’s extremely unfair and it’s ugly and it absolutely, without a shadow of a doubt, sucks. and if i am being deeply rooted and honest, i cry about it more than people realize or know. sometimes i lay in my bed and sob uncontrollably until my pillow is soaked and i can’t breathe. i often do it alone and don’t tell anyone. because i don’t want to make other people sad and i don’t want to hear ‘it’s okay’. because while it’s perfectly okay to be sobbing uncontrollably at what looks like my life crumbling apart, it’s not okay that this is happening right now. and it’s completely out of my control. and it takes every ounce of energy that i have to harness some of that and shove it back down, deep into the pockets. and while the world around me feels like it’s busting at the seams and crashing around me, i am trying to hold fast to anything that helps ground me. and it takes a lot of work. i won’t lie. i am constantly reminding myself that i cannot change this. that it’s here. that it’s real and it’s hard and it isn’t going anywhere right now. it’s altered my journey. it’s halted my plans and while my brain automatically turns towards anger and frustration and meltdowns at one o’clock in the afternoon on a wednesday; i find myself wanting to make lemonade instead. because while i am not the biggest fan of the ‘when life gives you lemons, make lemonade’ saying and more a fan of the ‘when life gives you lemons, throw them right back at life’ one; i recognize that that’s not an option right now. sure, i love a good cry and i am one of the city’s best pity party planners out there. but sadness and grief are so heavy. believe me. i have had them alongside me in my ‘carrying the weight of the world knapsack’ for what feels like a decade. and sometimes it’s just easier to squish all your frustrations and anger into lemonade rather than try to give the world back what you absolutely hate right now. am i thrilled with the orchard that was dropped at my feet? absolutely not. am i a big fan of lemons? yeah, i mean if you know me well, then you know i drink lemonade like it comes from my faucets. am i interested in this path for the next fourteen months? not super particularly. but that’s the thing. i can’t change it. i can’t alter the plan of the universe or whoever or whatever it is that plopped this here on my lap.

a lot of people mention resiliency and bravery and strength and honestly, that has not been me my whole life. i haven’t always been this way. it’s been a lot of work getting here. and when i mean work, i mean w.o.r.k. every single day. with therapy and reflection and going through the hard shit and apologizing and self affirmation and an unbelievable amount of self discovery and about forty five identity crises mixed in. things have been tumbling towards this for many years. flipping the script on how vulnerable people always thought i was. but twenty twenty really bomb dropped and i realized i had an opportunity to hold my head up high. to prove to myself that even when the shittiest stuff shows up on my doorstep; it can become something to talk about, to rise above and to conquer.

lemonade made from the sourest fruit, is often the best. because while it wasn’t your first choice, you made the damn lemonade anyways. 🍋

keep squeezing. xo.