i sat down tonight with this desire to put pen to paper and write something. something transformative. or maybe even something that felt big or important. but this season of life that i am in really doesn’t hit the mark on any of those. it’s a season in which i feel like i am still becoming someone. someone who doesn’t really know what life is supposed to look like. someone who has experienced an immense amount of trauma in a short timespan. and the exposure to that trauma has left this massive hole that is supposed to be able to be filled with experiences and some sort of transformation. but instead, my life is feeling a little lonely. imposter syndrome is often swallowing me whole. i find myself drowning in a lot of anxiety about the people around me and what they think. i am always worried that i am too much. and i am always worried that people might leave. because the truth is, there is a lot of trauma that i experienced that hasn’t been talked about or said out loud. that being diagnosed with an aggressive form of cancer kinda stole the show. but so much was happening in my life at that moment. and so many things continued to chip away at an already broken heart. and a lot of it i kept behind closed doors. because my whole life was crumbling in front of me. the pieces of myself were literally shredding in front of me. my arms couldn’t hold all the parts of me that i wanted to save. and in turn, so much of what i was going through, went untouched. and here’s the part of the blog where you are probably rolling your eyes & saying ‘oh gosh, here we go again’ but no, this isn’t one of those moments where i just dump the super, overflowing luggage out onto the middle of the floor. no. it’s more about figuring out why the luggage is still packed; thirty months after the disaster began. and there was a lot happening all at once and not much has changed in that regard. i prefer to keep myself busy and my plate a little full. some see it as problematic and others think i am crazy. but the truth is, i am best when i am not sitting. when i cannot give my mind the opportunity to overthink or to fall into these wild patterns. where i cycle through all the terrible moments and memories. a toxic trait of mine. because there are untold tales and really awful moments. and there were days where it just didn’t entirely make too much sense to keep going. and finding the strength to take a step each day; to wake up each day- man, it was a lot sometimes. and as a person who puts mental health pretty high on the priority list- i can for sure say that my sanity was tested regularly. and between being diagnosed and announcing my leave of absence from a job i absolutely loved to watching friends walk out of my life and having a third of my body amputated- there were moments there that i didn’t even know were part of my becoming.
becoming what exactly? what a loaded question. and something happened this week that really sent me into a sad space. it was hurtful and made me question every molecule in my body. made me spiral into old moments and put my character on the line. it had me questioning who i am and who i have become. and for me, that’s just unraveling some of the work i have been diligently doing for years. and i spent hours thinking about who i have become just over the last year or so. not even the whole span of my life. just recently. and sure, maybe my edges have become a bit sharper. maybe my ability to speak up has become a little louder. sure. i am willing to take ownership of the shape in which i have become. i own how much my experiences has moved me and molded me into what stands here now. i not only own it and recognize it but i am okay with it. because for the longest time, i was holding back. i was doing and saying and moving in ways that suited everyone but me. i was so hyper focused on becoming something that worked for everyone else. looked a certain way for everyone else. was accepted by everyone else. but the truth is, cancer stripped me of everything i ever knew. it made me vulnerable and uncomfortable. it scared me and shook me. it broke me and built me. it forced me to look at everything without the rose colored glasses. it showed me everything, clearly. and this week- i questioned my character because of something someone else did and said. and after i sobbed for what felt like an entire day, i began to unpack the whole experience from start to finish. that what someone says about you says more about them than it ever will about you. and it made me come back to the word
• becoming •
that in the last thirty four years, i have been in the process of becoming something. whatever it was at that moment. becoming a good friend. becoming an advocate for myself. becoming a wife, a person in the world, a teacher, a human being. becoming someone who is worth fighting for everyday. becoming someone who deserves respect. becoming someone i admire. becoming someone everyone else admires too. it’s always about becoming someone. becoming someone who has healed and processed and healed some more. becoming someone who has raised hell but also walked through it. gracefully, might i add. and now, in this season, i am still working on what is yet to come. what i have yet to become. obviously, the regular antics continue. but there is something rooted deep in my soul that desires to manifest an even bigger becoming. one that stems from the biggest healing. one that has grown from the best boundaries. one that has been watered by my own traumas and experiences and healings. the biggest becoming.
one that is built by yours truly. for yours truly. one that shows you exactly how far i have come. and exactly how incredible i have • become •