what a week. a truly long week. i swear that every time i looked at the clock, it looked like it hadn’t move an inch. and the crawl to the weekend was painful. and my exhaustion level has been at an all time high. and that’s okay. but at the same time, i find myself having a hard time with things right now. having a hard time regulating my emotions. feeling extremely lonely. second guessing myself. experiencing levels of anxiety and guilt. it’s been a lot lately. but this morning when my alarm went off at quarter to six and i put my feet on the floor, the pound of the migraine just hit the temple of my forehead. and i wondered to myself all the different possibilities behind the migraine. was it sleep or dehydration? maybe a little of both. was it my blood pressure or maybe the fact that i had been grinding my teeth? no, couldn’t be. had to be the lack of caffeine over the week. or perhaps just cancer coursing through my body. or allergies. or nothing. so many possibilities. and so i swallowed two ibuprofen and started the shower. and here we are, fourteen hours later. after what felt like pure pleading to the universe for the weekend to arrive. and it’s arrival is still technically not here; rude but okay. i find myself feeling overwhelmed by the week that’s almost over. and i find myself feeling lonely. and i find myself craving an opportunity for things to feel new and different and calm and bright. and i think the lonely feeling stems from this deep rooted idea that i have been really great about checking others; but i am struggling to understanding why no one is checking on me. and i find myself once again, in the throes of a pretty ugly breakdown; with crocodile sized tears on my pillow and this overwhelming feeling covering me like a blanket. these ideas and thoughts and perceptions begin to absolutely destroy me.
‘you were the worst teacher today. you’re doing an awful job. you just didn’t do it right today. no one likes you. no one wants to be friends with you anymore. no one is checking on you because why would they?! you failed today. you don’t deserve to have friends. you’re a mess. no one likes you.’ i am thirty four years old and that’s my brain right now. tempting me to believe all of it. and honestly, some of it feels real. some of it feels accurate and true. i feel lonely. i feel like i am not always taken seriously. sometimes my feelings feel like they don’t fit anywhere. sometimes it feels like my best isn’t good enough. sometimes i feel small or pushed down. sometimes i feel like i try and it doesn’t even matter. but right now, i feel like my good isn’t good enough. that my efforts as a human, as a person, a teacher, a friend- just aren’t being seen. i feel lonely and small. i feel like i am trying my absolute hardest to be perfect and fit the molds and do right by everyone and it’s coming up empty.
and today, i cried at my desk. two weeks after it happened the first time. and y’all know my rule about crying at work. it’s a huge no for me. the last thing i desire is a middle schooler seeing me cry. but i definitely did. during my ten minute lunch break between the chaos of teaching middle school. because i really am trying. and i am also navigating an identity crisis. and battling trauma responses. and juggling two careers. and trying to decide what’s next. and trying to be a good friend. and trying to decipher if people hate me. and unpacking all of the things happening in my life. while also approaching a scary anniversary of a terrible illness. which is ironically, this weekend. and i am grasping for the click of a reset button. practically begging for a lifeline. for some reassurance. for a nudge that things are okay. for just any beacon that signals to me that everything is okay. no one is mad at you. no one hates you. things may feel big or heavy and you may feel small- but you are doing great. you matter in this world. to lots of people. in all the roles you carry. and bad days are okay. and rough weeks are okay. and what you’re feeling- is normal. and it’s okay. it’s okay to be sad. it’s okay to feel like the world around you doesn’t match. it’s okay to feel lost and alone. but you aren’t.
hit reset. it’s okay! hit reset. ground yourself. center yourself. cry it out. ask for help. reset, recenter, regroup, restart again. so i guess this is me- being real & upfront. that i need a nudge and a little support. that my right now is feeling a little gray. that i am in the middle of an immense transformation but also in full imposter syndrome mode. i am feeling a little beaten down by some of the things that have happened and some of the things stirring in my mind. i am feeling a little defeated and anxious but this is me; saying i need more from those who will lift me. and that i am choosing to hit reset.
that’s the beauty in tomorrows. we always get a new chance to see the sun rise and we always get a new place for our feet to land.