i have another blog post going. obviously in another notes tab. ya know. casual things happening over here. i have been thinking about relationships a lot lately. friendships. relationships. people in your corner or on your team. whatever the hell ya wanna call it. and i often reflect back on a blog post i wrote nearly two years ago; after i found myself ghosted by a girl i had been calling my best friend. now in hindsight, there were red flags all over that friendship and i take responsibility for ignoring them. it’s pretty obvious looking back, that it was pretty unstable and a sinking ship from the start. but i remember how it ended. and that feeling has stayed with me over the last two years. it’s funny what lingers sometimes. and the end of that friendship was an ugly moment in my life. i have always felt unpopular and have always felt like people come and go way too often. and when this particular red flag laden friendship ended, i felt like someone had walked all over me and stomped in certain places. and i am beyond grateful for the ones that have stayed. i have an incredible army. a network of people that i can count on every single day. and i am so very blessed. that goes without saying. but i will admit that lately, my mind continues to jump back to moments where people have walked out on me. and while i am far from perfection, endings to friendships are always hard for me. and right now, i have been shifted into this new parallel. one where i have to sit back and watch some of the old parts of my life float by and i am unable to cast a net to try and catch them.
and very recently another big friendship ended and it ended harshly. and the fragments of it kept me awake for over a week. my heart and head battling over who was right and who was wrong. rereading the paragraphs of text to try to decide where things took a turn. but in those paragraphs, i found that all i was doing was taking care of myself. finding what serves me. eliminating friendships that hurt more than they heal. drawing a line in the sand on where a new boundary had appeared. because much like the red flag friend, it had its moments. and i am no stranger to ends of big friendships but when you’ve spent a few years in the throes of sickness and death, you begin to realize just how important the inner circle is. just how purposeful and strong it is. how drama and insecurities and selfishness simply cannot exist. and that it is more than okay to ask that of your circle. to ask for grace or space. to draw boundaries. to make sure that the friendship matches where you are in healing; in life. and goodbyes are painful and sometimes ugly. and this most recent one was definitely an uglier one; and while it weighs heavily, i continue to remind myself that even the sun and moon take breaks from the world. the horizon, the earth’s line. and today, the events of this whole friendship falling apart were the first things to tumble out of my mouth and into the lap of my therapist. and it felt like everything that had been smothering my soul and heart over the last week just sagged. and we slowed it down. that it wasn’t the end of a friendship. no. it was me. establishing a boundary in a friendship. after hurtful things were said and a slew of immaturity was laid out on the table. it was establishing a boundary to protect myself, my healing, my mental health. and the boundary wasn’t respected. and the friendship sunk with it. and there’s something powerful that comes with saying all of that. that after literally picking apart the messages and tone and moments layer by layer; that all it was- was the true failure to accept a boundary. and there is so much power in creating a boundary. and so much power in defending the boundary. and the most powerful part- is accepting the fallout when the boundary is more important than the person failing to stop at the line.
and friendships have always been hard for me. from day one. and over the last week or so, i have found myself in this immense state of sadness and disbelief. and not necessarily over the loss. but over the way it made me feel and how it felt so hurtful in the wake. and that even though i know it doesn’t serve me anymore, i still hate loss. and i hate ugliness. and i hate confrontation. but i know that i deserve to be safe in what i ask for and i know that the people who love me and honor my friendship are the ones who will never put me in that place. ever.
and so today was this massive milestone in my healing. because boundaries are hard for me. hard for me to create. hard for me to facilitate around others. hard for me to ask for people to maintain. sometimes, i forget that i deserve them and they deserve to be respected. but today, i was proud of the boundary. and that i could not beat myself up over the loss that came with it. because i am creating the life i deserve. with people who deserve me.
i deserve to hold the power. it’s been inside me all along.