enough.

did you know that most mornings i wake up with an apology already in my head? lately, i have been really stuck on apologizing for not being good enough. i often wrap myself around my husband, my eyes brimming with tears, saying ‘i’m sorry for being such an awful wife’. no seriously. probably three or four times a week. and when i say it, my mind is consumed by the fact that i fell asleep in the middle of his story about his work day or that i never switched the laundry over and he really needed those jeans to be clean. or anytime anything i ever cook is inedible because i have the cooking skills of a toddler. or when i get upset over the little things, like not knowing we were out of milk {please just write it on the freakin’ grocery list!}. but i am constantly apologizing for not being enough. for not being organized enough. for not being calm enough. for not being cute enough. for not being enough of everything.

but it’s an all consuming thing. ya know? because what is enough? i go to bed every night and ask myself ‘were you a good wife, daughter, sister, aunt, friend and coworker today?’ i am so serious. i feel like i have to make sure that i am doing it right. that i am enough for everyone, all. the. time. and in the grand scheme of the universe, most would look at me and tell me that i am enough. but i always feel like i am running a race, trying to hit all the checkpoints {is that a thing? i don’t run, even if i am being chased} and when i hit the finish line, i always start to question the race as a whole. my time. my stride. my patience. my attention. sometimes i feel like i get to the end feeling more defeated than before i began. and so i always feel like i have to apologize. for not having enough time. for not being level headed enough. for not doing enough.

and there’s the problem right there; we are enough. we are just constantly trying to tell ourselves that we aren’t simply because things aren’t always complete. we compare ourselves to what we see and automatically check the box next to •not enough•. because as we scroll through social media, we see the women who made a four course meal for their family and i left a box of kraft mac and cheese on the counter for my man. or that girl from middle school who is on her fifth vacation this year and you could only afford to vacation in your backyard. or your neighbor who is eating at that new restaurant downtown with her kids and they don’t have capri suns in their hands or applesauce on their dresses. we believe we are not good enough which simply becomes the belief that we just aren’t enough. of anything. ever.

but we are enough. it’s enough just to get out of bed and go to work. it’s enough to microwave frozen pancakes for your kids. it’s enough to make the minimum payment on your credit card. it’s enough to not send a christmas card to every person you’ve ever spoken too. it’s enough to drop your kids off in carline in your pajamas. it’s enough. all of it. my resolution for twenty eighteen was to stop comparing my story to everyone else’s because we are all on different chapters and some of us have to reread; or some of us hate certain chapters so it takes longer; or some of us speed read. the point is- we are enough. being here is enough. we are the only people telling ourselves that we aren’t.

we are enough. i can’t say it any clearer. take a look at what you have. your people. your possessions, your successes. and know that all of what you have automatically puts you in the ‘more than enough’ category. now take a look at all the things that make you feel like you aren’t enough. your mess. your laundry. your kid friendly living room. the soap scum in your shower. the pile of mail on the table. {wow, all of that applies to me}. all of the things that make you feel like you aren’t enough stem from what makes you enough. if you didn’t have your beautiful family, your kid friendly living room wouldn’t exist. if you didn’t have an amazing closet of clothes, you wouldn’t have the laundry. because we are the ones who tell ourselves we aren’t enough.

but actually we are plenty. we are more the enough. we are brimming.

so from now on, cross out the •not• that comes before enough in your thoughts. in the twenty four hours you are given, anything you do will always be enough.

xo.

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