sadness.

one of the hardest emotions to come out of. the easiest to live in. i know sadness really well. it comes in a lot of different forms; wears a lot of different masks; tumbles you in a lot of different ways. i can’t pinpoint the first time i was met by sadness- i mean, there have been so many emotions in my life. mostly sparked by the fact that my bipolar brain chooses at least a dozen different emotions to ride through on a daily basis. sadness is something i have been dealing with a lot. sometimes, it looks exactly like it sounds- crocodile tears, shoulder sobs, grief, agony, painful memories or experiences. i have been sad like that a lot this year. sad over friendships ending. sad over the fact that my best friend was killed three years ago. sad that cancer took the life of my sweet great uncle. sad that my brain functions like a fucking ride at six flags. but sadness also looks like frustration- hot tears, gritted teeth, words flying out into the air, saying things you don’t mean, stomping around and slamming doors. i have also been sad like that a lot this year. frustrated sad that i overdrew my bank account like eighty nine times. frustrated sad that i had to do dishes when it wasn’t my turn. frustrated sad that i had to move out of my perfect three bedroom rental on the cutest street to a third floor loft apartment. frustrated sad that i failed to lose any ounce of weight. but sadness also looks a lot like anger- screaming while crying or a classic for me; crying with my arms folded while staring out the car window. the same kind of sadness that comes from stupid fights or friendships ending over meaningless words or being too anxious or too jealous or too much. the sadness that builds into steam in your ears. where hot tears flood your existence and your face fumes. i have felt this anger sadness a lot this year too. last night when i was called selfish, i angry cried the whole way home. when a parent yells at me in an email or when i know i am so wrong when i argue with my husband; but i want so badly to be right. those sadnesses just wash right over you; sad right to the very core. sad with grief or pain or just plain exhausted over life. sad with frustration because it’s hard being human. sad with anger because no one gets it.

being human is hard. being accepted is hard. being loved is hard. being wrong is hard. being you can be hard. i know for me, being me is probably the hardest part of my life. the emotions. the judgement. the feelings. the way my brain takes it all in, processes it and spits it back out. watching people flood your headspace with opinions that you just didn’t sign off on. it’s hard. the whole thing.

so when the sadness comes ashore, i have found that i have to let it wash over me. i have to cry, sob, scream, drain my sorrows in a scalding eighteen minute shower, soak my pillowcase with icy tears, write it a million times in a journal, go through an entire box of tissues at my therapy session. whatever it is. i have to feel sad. because i can’t feel relief until my shoulders start to sag. i won’t feel relief until the air is gone from my lungs. until the salt from my tears stings the open flesh of my bitten lips.

i have to be human, even though it is so damn hard. sadness is part of it. and even though i am good at it; even though i know sadness better than all the others. even though sadness has stayed around longer this time than before. i know that happiness is at the tail end. i know there will be light at the end of this tunnel. i know that i am the light in my own darkness.

and i know that i have to walk through darkness sometimes. without it, there would be no reason for light.

happy new year. xo.