whole.

for the longest time, i have felt like a chunk of myself has been missing. like something was supposed to click into place and i would suddenly feel complete. perhaps it would be a person or a place or an event. but honestly, as the years have passed, the feeling remained. so much has happened. so many people have come in and so many have left. so much has happened. so much has existed. so much has changed. i think that from the very start, from the day i started the journey to discovering my mental health and my strength to withstand, i have been searching for what is missing.

i have always been a lot of things. as my mother would say, ‘we are a lot of who we are’ and she is so wise. {she is probably reading this and smiling because she also used to say ‘if people ask you “how’d you get so beautiful? say from my mother. and if people ask you “how’d you get so smart? say from my mother too.’} but anyways, i have always been a lot of who i am. and i guess what i mean is, i have always been a lot of who i was defined as. there have been so many labels over the years, some sticking to me with stronger glue than others. some of the big ones- the baby of the family, the youngest, the shortcut taker, the procrastinator, the fat girl, the overreacter, the pushover, a drama queen. so many different people have weaved in and out, dropping off a label here or there. some of them more powerful than others. some seeping into my identity so much faster and deeper than ever imaginable.

we are a lot of who we are. or are we a lot of what people say we are? for me, i think the void is there, the incompleteness is there, the missing piece is there, because i have been filling my whole self with the labels that others have created for me. i am a lot of who i am; and a lot of it stems from what i have done for myself and the new labels i have created.

some of those include; go getter, dreamer, achiever, curious, self discoverer, educator, people pleaser, healer, procrastinator {sorry, that one stays!}.

i once read ‘nothing is missing, you are already whole’. and even though i don’t feel whole right now, this minute, this instant; i know that the void that is there, that feeling of incompleteness; it’s not from missing anything. it’s from trading an old label for a bright, shiny one. an upgrade. a glow up. an identity shift. whatever the hell you wanna call it. the void will fill itself because you are already whole, there was never anything missing.

trade in that old stuff. the stuff that hurts. the stuff that was never yours. those labels that others slapped onto you in an effort to place you into their world. strip down to what built you, what makes you and choose your own damn labels.

we are a lot of who we are. shouldn’t we get to pick what that lot looks like?

xo.