twenty two.

no, i am not singing the lyrics to that taylor swift song. apparently she was feeling twenty two or something. i am a firm believer that absolutely anything can break your heart, your soul, your spirit, your worth, your smile, your bank account or your bones. sure, in my lifetime, a dozen boys have broken my heart. sure, at age thirty, my dog broke my nose in half. sure, chickfila has broken my bank account way too often. but the truth is, my heart has been broken the most by the people i let in. and twenty two months ago, was the end of a friendship that i truly thought had a much longer shelf life. in fact, i think a lot of people thought it wasn’t a friendship that would have the lights cut off so soon. especially me. in hindsight, the red flags were there. the jealousy was there. the signs were there. but see, my biggest problem is making friends; and so when red flags appear with friends, i tend to ignore them and try to add blue paint to make them purple flags and instead, it’s just a mess. but here we are, twenty two months out and someone messages me to tell me something about this person that i said ‘peace out’ to nearly two years ago. and while this something made me chuckle a little, it got me thinking about this heart of mine and the little circle of bricks built up around it. because ya see, i buried my best friend when i was twenty six and two of my bridesmaids blocked me on social media within six months of me walking down the aisle. and then this friendship expired and so did the one i had with my landlord and ugh. it got me thinking about this heart of mine.

at first, i was like ‘oh shit. it’s me, not them’ which of course, cut me open like a freaking grey’s anatomy episode. but that quickly shifted to ‘okay, it’s half you, half them’. which was just as emotionally opening as the first thought. but now, i am here to tell ya that ‘it ain’t me, it’s them’. and honestly, it’s because i know that i am a lot and that i require a lot. but more importantly, every single time a friend cracks the surface and leaves the pieces, my heart changes. and so with all the heartbreak from these different friends, i know that the only reason i got left behind is because i am just too much for some people. and that used to bother me. and made me want to change myself. but now, i know exactly what i am and how much i can give. i know my worth and i more than not, add tax. and so in the last twenty two months, i have welcomed new people into my life and the brick wall around my heart is only slightly shorter and less aggressive. i know my heart. it’s a damn good one. there’s no malice in it or mean spirit. in fact, my heart has been through so much that it’s just carefully guarded. and anytime anyone gives me the slightest indication that it’s okay to pull the bricks up or that they are sticking around or that they want to be there for me; i believe it. and while the tragic loss of my best friend is no one’s fault except for the terrible human who drove that fucking white audi that day; i know my heart has been through a lot. and so my friendships have to go through a lot and my friendships have to mean a lot. because i don’t have the energy or the stomach or the brain or the willpower or the guts or the courage or any of it, to open myself up to any more human beings that aren’t willing to see my heart for what it is and help guard it too.

they say holding a grudge is like letting someone live in your head rent free. and i feel that in my soul. because i carry a lot in this brick and mortar covered heart. this good, means well, is sorry she’s such an anxious mess, wishes she could do a whole lot less, wears it all on her sleeve, heart of mine. and while i hold zero grudges to those who have walked out; i wonder if they really knew me and what me and my heart bring to the damn table.

don’t hold grudges, hold babies and puppies and hands. don’t break hearts, break down barriers. be a good friend. give people chances. recognize that some of the best hearts have been broken. understand that some of the best people, make the worst friends. and some of the broken souls, are the ones who will change your life. xo.