walls.

when i took my first writing course freshman year at the community college, we had to write a poem about ourselves. i compared myself to a brick wall; literally a brick wall. who even does that?! i could’ve compared myself to a summer day {peep that shakespeare reference} or even a rose but i legit wrote a ten line poem comparing myself to a brick wall. but why? why did i choose to compare myself to a brick wall?

well, because that’s exactly what i am. strong when you look at me from far away. but up close, you notice that the mortar has cracks and i’m a little chipped on the edges. sometimes the sunlight gets through the holes and breaks in my exterior but other times, rain pours right on through. i’m also not strong all the time, in fact- i’m just a strong storm away from collapsing. i’m a brick wall because so many people have hurt me. so many people have walked out on me or stomped on my heart. and for each one, i laid a brick. and before i knew it, the wall was all too consuming. i became the wall. solid, untouchable, protected, defensive, hidden. i built this wall to keep myself safe and in that time, i began keeping people out.

if you know me well, you know that i have a heart of gold and that i would be friends with anyone who crosses my path. but lately, the bricks are too thick; too high; too strong. letting people in means opening myself up to new hurt, new letdowns, new pain. and of course, another brick laid.

so here is the bigger question: how do you take all of the hurt, all of the pain, all of the shitty friends, all of the fake friends, all of the cancelled plans, all of the people who talked about you behind your back, all of the ones who think you’re fat, all of the times you were ditched or left behind; how do you take every single person who has laid their very own brick around you and forgive it all?

how do you let all that has made you tender of heart go and begin to take down the wall? is it about forgiveness? is it about pulling an elsa move? {ugh, y’all know how i feel about that} or is it something deep inside me that needs to heal?

i have never taken a brick down. i have never returned to an ex-boyfriend or taken back a friend who has hurt me. i always right my wrongs and i always find closure. i’m always working on myself and i am always trying to be better. i never want to be a let down and i never want to be a part of someone else’s wall. so, how do you do it? or is it as simple as taking the bricks and creating something new?

maybe all this time, i should’ve built a bridge instead of a wall. it’s time to let people back in. the time is now, the wall is coming down. life is hard enough without the weight of a ton of bricks; let’s ditch em’.

xo, alix

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