now.

you would have to live under a rock to not notice the global climate right now. and that’s the thing; it’s the right now. it’s the ugly and uncomfortable and what feels like forever now. trust me, if anyone knows what the isolation and boredom feels like, it’s me. been alone in my rapunzel tower for quite some time now. it’s hard. it’s weird. it’s amazing where dust has settled in your home. it’s wild to realize how much stuff you actually own but don’t use. trust me. i more than get it and understand it and hear it and yup, fully respect it. but I had a revelation this morning. because nothing in my life ever goes as planned. the road that’s been paved for me has been full of hills and potholes but whatever. and honestly, this revelation came after determining that my dog’s knee situation has gotten a little worse and so my anxiety kicks in and i have to remind myself that it’s not the end of the world. even though outside, it kinda feels like the end of the world. but it’s not. it’s just the now. like right now, this is what’s happening. right now, this is my reality. but eventually, it won’t be. i mean sure, wouldn’t i love a time table so i could map this shit out in my ocd anxious brain? oh definitely. one thousand percent. but that ain’t gonna happen so let’s just respect the now. the here. the this. what’s on the table. what’s been given.

i have been in an active identity crisis for the last eighteen months. actively working through understanding who i am in my workplace, in my family roles, as a wife and as a friend. the identity path is an interesting one and presents itself with new channels and avenues often. but this global climate and what i have experienced has truly shifted my identity again. post traumatic stress is what they call it and both of my therapists say that it will cause me to become something different; to acquire a new existence essentially. holy moly, say what? an identity crisis in the midst of a global crisis with some interlaced post trauma induced stress and a dog that’s hurting? you’ve got to be kidding me. i swear the person holding my puppet strings has a real sense of humor. but ya know what; this is my now. and even though i kinda want what was my now six months ago; i can’t change it. this is my now and i have control over certain parts of it. and other parts i don’t. i can’t control who social distances or coughs into their sleeve or doesn’t bully me online or whatever. i can control how i react to the now. by unfriending and unfollowing a mass ton of people. by keeping the tv off. by setting timers on my social media. by crying. a lot. because it’s a release. and by doing what i can to accept my now. i was born a true pessimist, i am certain you know that by now. that when i exited the womb i was already irritated and negative about my new surroundings. and while it is a flaw and who knows, maybe one of my greater ones- this pandemic, the things i recently went through, this now. it’s all changing my perspective. it’s shifting me into a place of acceptance and into a part of an identity i haven’t met yet. and that’s all cool and wonderful. but . . . it’s also okay to grieve what has been lost. but then, take a moment and recognize that this is now. just now. not later. not forever. not always. just now.

and for right now, that’s alright.
xo.

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